Though there can't be a right or wrong way, we generally don't handle grief well. All too often we try to move on quickly and forget about our loss, rather than understanding it, processing it and then dealing with it.
This blog starts with a personal story of the author about how she grieved the loss of her father wrongly for years, then learning to correct it, dealing with people's opinions and judgements, and general lessons learned on the way about grief.
The complete blog is divided into 4 sections in the same order:
Dealing with the loss of my father and grieving it wrongly
On March 3, 2006, my father met an accident. I had my 8th standard Maths exam the next morning so I wasn't told much about what had happened. Just accident. I had scored a 100 in the previous exam and my father returned super proud in the Parent-Teacher Meet that followed. Though he never really fussed about the scores I still made it a mission to repeat the score.
But there on the day of the exam, which would have been his 43rd birthday, I was wondering what had happened to him.
Everyone else knew.
And I could sense it all.
Like my Hindi teacher who came to the exam hall, I could lip-read her asking my name, and she burst out crying when I smiled to greet her.
Why is everyone looking at me with such pity?
I had seen both of my grandparents die of cancer. Whenever the thought scared me, I would feed myself with scenarios, bad injuries, the worst injuries but just the kind that keeps one alive. Like in those Ekta Kapoor's daily soaps.
Along with the rough calculations, the last page of my answer sheet also had me calculate our family expenses and where all I could cut down to save for his treatment and what would I do to take care of him.
Yeah, treatment, because in no scenario of my overthinking mind was he dying.
On all the occasions, when I fooled around at the monthly Satyanarayan Puja, I wondered if it was all happening to him because of me.
“Just not death, please.” I would beg when I couldn't feed myself with any more thoughts.
There was intuition yet optimism; prayers fighting gut, and amidst all the overthinking there was Maths.
As the exam ended and I returned home, my worst fears were confirmed - my father had passed away.
I saw others and I cried.
But I don’t think it had sunken in me yet. I don’t think it ever sinks into anyone the moment you suddenly lose someone so close.
Hinduism gives you 13 days to mourn and a year to not celebrate festivals without your loved ones. Islam and Christianity give 40. Then your friends and family stop visiting you. Your grieving time is over. Things are expected to move on as if nothing happened.
That’s exactly when it starts to sink in.
I was told that I needed to be strong as the eldest child. Strong meant no crying, not grieving, not mourning but “making my father proud” by focusing on my studies. So every time I missed him, I felt guilty for not making him proud. I would carry a lump and try my best not to let my tears flow down.
BTW, I scored 92 on that exam.
So despite not being at my best, I was better than most. Generally. Always. Studies or work. Before this starts to look like a self-brag, this was a curse.
People notice your trauma only when you fail and success is in your scores and salary. We don’t realize people can be successful and depressed at the same time!
Successfully depressed!
Over the years, it made me feel helplessly irritated by myself for feeling this way. It obviously affected my relationships with friends and family.
Fast forward. I was 27. In an MBA college. Another exam day. It had been 30 minutes and my best friend wasn’t still there. I started panicking the same way I did about 14 years ago. I gave myself a little pep talk “All these years of moving on, holding yourself strong, for this? You are a big, strong girl. A fcking woman. You can’t cry like a baby.”
My friend was just his slothy self. It triggered all the same old emotions.
Why did it feel so familiar?
And the one question that bothered me the most was, after all these years, why haven’t I moved on?
I decided to see a psychologist.
He asked me “What do you wanna move on from? Grieving about your dead father? Missing the person who loved you the most? Do you really wanna get over him like he never existed?”
“It’s been about 14 years, and I still miss him.“ I cried.
“Even after 140 years, it is okay."
“But I am a big girl now, people make fun of me when I cry, even my best friends” I complained.
“Does that make you cry any less?” he asked.
“No. Makes me worse."
“Why care about it then? Control the controllable. Controlling the situations that make you miss your father isn’t in your control. Not being hard on yourself is in your control. "
I still needed validation-
“Is it okay if I go numb for a few minutes after every important achievement? When I got my first cheque when I got convocated? That extra hurt after every hurt because I don’t have him to go to? That extra effort you have to put in for everything because it's now that you understand how effortlessly he used to do what he did. His remembrances and anecdotes, all the little things he used to do, what he would have done if he were alive. Is it okay?”
“Perfectly okay. All of it.” He reassured.
Grief is like a debt. It doesn’t get better with time, it compounds with it.
So now I wasn’t just shedding tears for my dead father but processing everything else that followed.
The sudden growing up and losing my childhood.
For everything I had to go through because I didn’t have him to protect me.
Every time I self-loathed because I missed him, I have been unkind to myself.
I allowed myself to grieve. Everything made me cry in those days and I cried.
It was messy but worth it.
Learning to grieve right
Everyone feels differently and thus, grieves differently. It's important to understand ourselves and give it the time we need, not what the world gives.
I wasn't myself.
The 3-year-old who missed her school bus back home from her first day at school because she was busy entertaining others turned into an irritated anti-social 30-year-old.
I decided to trade off that time and effort you need to go from earning good to great , on my mental health. Buying off a little myself in exchange for a little money is a great deal.
Why didn't i think of it earlier?
I was the hare who preferred to sleep rather than compete with a tortoise to prove my worth. If the world wants to make it a moral lesson for generations, their loss.
Running away or escaping is easy.
Withdrawing from the race, watching people get ahead, and being okay with it is choosing yourself over the situation, choosing your journey of becoming over running an endless race.
Self-worth has "self" because the worth should be known to the self, it need not be displayed for others on the shelf.
Choose yourself.
You are not losing, just pausing.
I realized the importance of enjoying journeys. Safar khoobsurat hai manzil see bhi.
So I won't say pause to win big tomorrow, it is still running in a way. Pause to enjoy today. Pause to find yourself, belief in yourself and your journey. It is not being non-ambitious. You stop chasing a better life but start making it, being it, at this moment. Constantly.
It has been the most liberating feeling ever!
Dealing with people's opinions and judgements
People who haven't experienced similar pain or trauma can often be judgmental and offer unhelpful or insensitive advice.
When you are vulnerable and miserable, you are looking for help from your close ones. Disappointment would be an understatement for what you feel at that moment.
Letting people’s perception of grief affect your way of grieving is the ultimate self-destruction!
But when I grieved well, I started healing. I learned acceptance and self-discovery in a way no art of living or meditation could teach.
Then complaints gave way to empathy.
It is important to understand that when you didn’t understand your feelings, how could others?
Trauma matures you. Not your friends.
Imagine having to solve a calculus problem in 2nd grade! You'll have to be okay if your 2nd standard friends do not understand the problem.
It is not their fault. It is not yours as well. It's the fault of the scars.
And when you solve it, you will no longer look for external validations. It will liberate and empower.
Yes, at the age when you wanted to be safe, you had to be strong. You had to struggle when you were supposed to enjoy.
You would ask "why me?"
Nobody wants to be sad and miserable. We are not entitled to a smooth life.
Life is unpredictable.
No, not everything happens for a reason. Jo hota hai ache ke liye hota hai, galat kehte hain!
We don't get the choice to not struggle. But we can choose to rise from it and get stronger.
Moving on from the angst, you will learn to appreciate the intent.
Those who tried>>>
General notes and lessons learned about grief
Sometimes our problem is not in missing people but in trying not to and feeling guilty for failing to do so.
Not just the loss of loved ones, but setbacks of all kinds.
Our insecurities and ego deny the setback and look for quick fixes.
“I would look like a loser if I didn’t move on"
Our circle and surroundings supplement our denial. They hype us up to force the quick move on.
“You deserve better. Forget him/her”
“It’s been a while, you should move on”
Men have it worse. Patriarchy adds an insane pressure of success, of moving on, and of keeping up with their image of a strong supportive macho.
We are not good at seeking help. Or even helping ourselves grieve.
Our societal conditioning conveniently pushes us to escape grief. The quicker you move on, the stronger you are believed to be. Often, we are so lost in faking it that we never make it. We take permanent life decisions to get over the enormous amount of temporary immediate grief and then regret it in hindsight. Story of every rebound relation!
PAUSE.
REFLECT.
Ask yourself: is it me or my hurt?
Not all missing is being stuck. Sometimes, it is remaining.
How many things in this ever-transient world remain forever?
Sometimes, you miss, and you are hurt because you love(d) even if they didn't. You feel betrayed because you were loyal. It's about us.
Distraction is not moving on. Healing is. And grieving is the first step to it.
Grieve it right!
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